Haunted by Past Words

Have you ever been haunted by something you said or wrote?

I was transferring some files on my computer the other day. I ran across some of the files from ministerial education. One of those was a final exam that I had typed. I am not sure what the question was, but it had something to do with a call to ministry. Here is the answer:
The “call” to ministry is what sustains a pastor during the tough times. It is what separates the pastors who hang in and those that decide to go a different direction in their career. Ministry is not so much a career choice. If one is not truly called it will be difficult to sustain a thriving ministry over a long period. When a ministry is thriving there will be a certain amount of controversy and rough times. Those who are truly called will have the call to lean on when times get tough.

As I have struggled with my call to the ministry over the last 9-12 months, these words have haunted me. The sentence, "If one is not truly called..." cuts. Was I not called? I know for sure that I was called. What is happening now?

When I was sitting in classes taking in and spouting out ministerial theory, these things seemed easy. The reality is theory is great when things are going well, but theory goes out the window when things go bad. We can make bold predictions about how we will handle adversity when we are sitting in a safe classroom. When the slings and arrows are flying in trenches, those predictions are useless.

Am I crazy?

I hope the answer is "no."

For some time, I have been struggling with what God wants me to do. It has been for the better part of a year now. I do not feel that God is calling me to move at this time. Ministry opportunities are limited to pretty much volunteer.

I am seriously considering going back to school to my master's degree in history. It is to the point where I am about to go buy a book to study for the GRE exam.

It will take me some time, as I will have to continue to work. The local university does not offer on-line classes or summer classes (except for Thesis).

I am a little worried about the workload. I am a slow reader.

A Question About Ministry

I have been thinking a lot about this lately, considering my circumstance.

Does God call people to vocational ministry for a lifetime, a shorter time, or both?

I my denomination, ordination for a lifetime. I understand that all Christians are called to live a life of service to Christ their entire life. I talking about vocational ministry, or what is often referred to as pastoral ministry.

I have written about this before, here. I have known my share of pastors who are no longer pastoring, even though they would not be considered "retired." Most are middle-aged (late 30s to late 50s). Did God not call them for a lifetime?

I know for sure (beyond any doubt or second thought) that God called me to the ministry when he did. It was to serve as a pastor. I'm not doing that right now, and it's bugging me. I'm not dying to get back in the game.

This all sounds like the incoherent ramblings of weirdo, but that is where I'm at.

Knowing God's Will

This is something that has been bugging me for a while now. How do I know God's will? I have been thinking about this in reference to my job/career/vocation (whatever you want to call it).

Is something God's will because it happens? I don't think so. That would not make sense. Just because something happened does not mean God willed it. That would be stupid to think that. That would mean such horrible things as child abuse, murder and rape would be God's will.

How do I know God's will in reference to the ministry? I know my denomination is not going to ask me to plant a church in this town. The church where currently attend is great. The pastor talks about planting another church in town (ooh, ooh pick me, pick me), but that is all it is: talk.

My parents recently moved here, and the quickest way to kill them would be to move somewhere else.

I have always felt that I am where God wants me, but lately I've been struggling with that.